If common opinion is to be believed, modern friendship is a one-stop shop for unblinkered loyalty and unmitigated support. But is this really true?

Far from conducting our friendships with egalitarian goodwill, research has revealed that we feel most comfortable in the company of people whom we believe to be equal or – whisper it – even slightly below us, in social terms. Not only that, but wealth, status and power impacts directly on our health: in relative terms it doesn’t matter whether you own a humble council flat or an eight-bedroom mansion on Millionaires’ Row, simply believing that you live better than your friends and neighbours puts you in line for a happier, healthier and even longer life.

Of course, Keeping Up With The Joneses isn’t anything new. But for most of us such friendly rivalry is supposed to stop short of our really close friendships. Take a look within the furtive recesses of your soul, however, and you might find a less salubrious version of the truth. Can you honestly say there’s never been a time when a mate’s new job, flat or (depending on how superficial you really are) haircut has made you feel slightly threatened or left you wondering, however momentarily, that you might be being left behind?

And what about the numerous friendships that have simply worn out their welcome over the years? C’mon, admit it – that you drifted apart because you ‘no longer have anything in common’ is more likely to be code for the fact that at some point one of you began to feel a little – or maybe even a lot – superior to the other. Perhaps you got a much better job (with matching salary) or started hanging out with a different (cooler? better?) crowd. We don’t like to spell it out – hell, we don’t even like to admit it to ourselves – but chances are many of our friendship histories hide such dirty little secrets.

Up-close and personal
It’s long been acknowledged that, much as women like to pretend otherwise, most of us are swayed by a good job, healthy bank account or increased social status when it comes to choosing a partner. Why do we honestly believe it to be that different when it comes to our friends? In both relationships we want someone who will support and be there for us. But, while we might not like to admit it, we also choose our companions as a subtle reinforcement of our own worth (how would we be able to snare such a good friend/lover if we weren’t the same ourselves?).

Crucially, however, Friendship Status Syndrome (FSS) isn’t just about the outward trappings of who’s doing better than whom. Most friendships hinge, to some degree or other, on a balance of power that’s as much about emotional (in)equality as superficial success and sometimes even the most apparently minor shift can knock things seismically off course.

One woman I know has recently lost over two stubborn stone in weight. Since then she’s been accused some by some of her closest friends of being everything from over-confident to too thin (she clocks in at a pleasingly curvaceous size 12). What’s happened, of course, is that she’s overstepped the boundaries of their friendship’s emotional hierarchy, even if she didn’t know it existed until now. And as her Friendship Status stock has gone up, so have some of those around her been forced to reassess theirs.

The bottom line
If all this simply seems simply too depressing for words, cheer up – there are some relationships that seem, genuinely, to be beyond such superficial sway.

Longstanding friendships in which each party has had more than enough experience of the best and worst of each other are generally able to withstand the vagaries of FSS. Why do you think it is that famous people always cite their oldest friends as the only ones they can really trust through their journey to the top of society’s tree? (Or is hanging out with old mates the ultimate way to ensure your top-dog status within your social group?)

Anyway, so what if even your close relationships still seem littered with the messy fallout of FSS? If friends truly are the new family then perhaps repeat occurrences might well be the highest accolade. After all, what greater competition is there than sibling rivalry?

http://www.handbag.com/relationship/your-life/friends-family/a-bit-of-friendly-competition-101943